Under the Influence
by Beautiful Midnight
Summary: Brian reacts to Justin's accident and his feelings for the boy. (Takes place after Episode 2.1, some spoilers)(I forgot Justin turned 18 in the series, so I made a tiny adjustment to cover my ass--er..mistake..)


I had forgotten how it felt to hold him.. He felt so weak.. He was shaking, for Christ's sake.. and it was all my fault that he was like this. It was my fault that fucking kid attacked him with a baseball bat. But there was nothing I could do. I wasn't Justin's mother, I couldn't hold his fucking hand and sit by his side reassuringly. I couldn't be like Debbie and say "It's going to be all right, Sunshine." No. All I could do was watch him through the window and wish I could be there by his side, holding his hand. It was my fault.. No matter what they said, it was my fault. If I hadn't gone to the prom with Justin, that bastard never would've attacked him. But there was nothing I could do.. I was too far away. I couldn't exactly call upon my superpowers to smite evil and save the day... I'm just a fucking person. All I could do was call the ambulance and wait. I remember everything. I remember how he looked on the ground like that. I remember how his lips tasted covered with  
blood and tears; my tears, not his. I didn't think I'd cry. I mean, I didn't cry when my old man died.. He wasn't worth it. But this.. this was worth my tears.  
Every night, I see that little shit going after Justin with the bat. Every goddamned night, I relive the nightmare. Justin was so happy during our dance.. Hell, I was too. I've forgotten that much.. I just wish I could forget the rest. I'm actually surprised that they didn't cut the fucking music when they saw two fags on the dance floor, but that goddamned Chris Hobbs.. I wish I killed him. Two years probation and five hundred hours of community service aren't enough. It was goddamned attempted murder...but I won't cry over it like Deb or turn into a 'save the fags' activist like the others.. No.  
I could tell though, that the asshole routine wasn't going to work on Justin anymore when he was at my apartment. I feel like I want to be with him, but his mother used that 'If you care about him, you'll leave him alone' bullshit on me.. like I was some lovesick teenager. She told me it was my fault. I knew it all along.. if I hadn't gone to the prom, Justin would've been all right. If I hadn't danced with him, Chris Hobbs wouldn't have gone after him. If I hadn't fallen for Justin, none of this would've happened.  
Yeah, Brian Kinney in love. What a fucking joke.. maybe some day I'll find the punchline for it and have a good laugh. Emmett is probably laughing at me already. Ted's going to smirk at me and comment on how maybe I wasn't such a heartless shit after all.. Mike would tease me since I bugged him so much about David.. Linz would probably hug me... Christ.. 'Oh, I'm so happy for you, Brian..' I can see it now. My old man would've gotten a laugh out of it. His only son, a fucking fairy, falling in love with a seventeen year old.. wait.. it was his birthday a while ago, wasn't it... an eighteen year old.  
It's been two weeks since I've even seen Justin. I've been trying to work, handling too many cases, drinking too much, doing too many drugs, I would think... all to get my mind off of him. I think he's given up with trying to see me, though. He hasn't been around in days. I fell asleep with the music on.. a bottle of empty Jack Daniels on the bedside table. Change of pace, you know. Tequila Mondays, Jack Daniels Tuesdays, Gin on Wednesdays.. Maybe Mikey's right.. I'm a fucking fall-down drunken mess. ..just like my father.. I don't want to be like my father.. Lord, don't let me be like him.. I woke up in the middle of the night with someone next to me, and wondered if I was dreaming.  
*  
"Nngh.." Brian mumbled sleepily, lifting his head slightly to look at the blonde boy that had curled against him. He struggled to focus and blinked a couple of times. Justin looked up at him with a small smile. "What are you doing here?" Brian saw Justin shrug and he felt the boy's breath against his neck.  
"Aren't you happy to see me?" Justin asked teasingly, his blue eyes searching Brian's face. Brian smirked.  
"Well, well, aren't you the rebel.." He ran a finger along Justin's jawline. Justin mimicked Brian's smirk so well that they both shivered. Brian sighed and rested his head against the pillow. Tuesday. "Get some sleep kid.. you'll be late for school." He hesitated. "Oh, and Justin?"  
"Yeah?"  
"The dance was fucking incredible.. don't let anyone tell you otherwise." He saw Justin practically beaming up at him and couldn't resist a small chuckle.  
"Brian?"  
"Mm." He closed his eyes.  
"I love you." Justin whispered. There was silence in the darkened room, and Brian kissed Justin's forehead.  
"Yeah, I love you too. Go to sleep." 


End file.
